“You are so strong.”
“I don’t know how you do it.”
“You are my superhero.”
“Oh my god you have so much patience I could never do that.”
“How do you stay so happy and kind?”
“Oh my god you’ve been through so much I can’t believe how positive you are.”
“You are so blah blah blah”
“Oh my blah blah”
“Talking talking talking sometimes I don’t even hear what you are saying anymore.”
Those last few? I know, not nice. I give myself permission to be not nice once in awhile (in my head). I am the strong, spiritual, amazing, superhero, patient, rockstar survivor who’s been through the ringer and still gets up every day to live her best life. I’ve survived abuse, addiction, depression, an eating disorder, more abuse, divorce (okay two) and raising my children on my own. Quite frankly my life plays out a little like a Lifetime channel for women movie marathon. And yet every morning I get up, throw some coffee down my throat, find some time to meditate and then grind. Raising my kiddos, healing, coaching, teaching others, writing, all while working a full time regular people job with a smile on my face, kind words, and hugs for whoever needs one. I am not trying to pat myself on the back nor am I trying to say my story is more challenging than yours. I am definitely not saying I am handling things better than you. This is just my truth. And on some days my truth can be really, overwhelmingly, crazy, exhausting.
So yea, back to my moment. Every once in awhile I have to give myself permission to have one of those.
Honestly? I have many. Many many many moments where I feel mean and cruel and downright bitchy. Moments where I am incredibly ungrateful and I don’t want to hear how fabulous or strong I am or that I am someone else’s inspiration to keep going. Moments where I am nothing but scared. Some days I just want to, no I NEED to embrace and honor that I am exhausted. Frustrated. And down right ready to give up. And when I am having those moments quite frankly a showering of compliments can make me feel like more of a fraud than anything else. How can I be an inspiration to you? How can you think I’m a strong, rockstar, superhero when the truth is on more days than I would care to admit I collapse into a fetal position crying and drained, both grateful for and wondering how I made it through another day by the skin of my teeth and in that moment having it feel so real to me that I just will not be able to do it all again tomorrow?
Often during these spells of I just can’t do this another damn minute my brain will conjure up the memory of a night my unique, intuitive, wise old soul son came into my room and caught me right smack in the middle of one of my on the floor, curled up into a ball, ugly crying into a pillow I’m just exhausted, scared and DONE meltdowns that I try so hard to hide. He sat down beside me and did that thing parents both hate and love…he took something I had taught him and threw it right back in my face. He said “Mommy you are so brave. But to be brave you have to be scared first and then keep going. That’s what you told me. And you do that every day. That is why you are the bravest person I know.” Damn those kids. They really do listen to me when I think they aren’t. And thank goodness.
He was so right. Which I guess means I was right too.
We are NOT meant to just plow through life like a steam roller with a red cape without admitting that sometimes we are tired, overwhelmed and really RELLY afraid. That we are sad or wish things were a little different or that maybe in that moment we just don’t wanna (insert your challenge here) anymore. We are not meant to live without the cliche but true “you have to have the break down to have the break through” moments. We are not meant to just survive life without being human my loves, we are meant to THRIVE. Synonyms for thrive if you’re wondering…blossom, bloom, develop, flourish, prosper, shine, GROW. Doesn’t that all sound delicious?
So feel all of your feelings. ALL. OF. THEM. Even the ones that scare you (hello anger) or give you wrinkles (heeeey ugly cry long time no see) or make you feel a little sick to your stomach (well look who showed to the pity party…it’s inadequacy). Cry them out. Scream them out. Journal them out. Run them out. Whatever your thing is to get them out but FEEL them. Don’t bury your humanness under some false idea that you have to be what other peoples’ perception of you is. Don’t run away from your humanness using distractions and excuses of busyness or some unfounded belief that you have to live up to other peoples’ expectations.
Embrace every stinking moment of who you are. The ones where you feel like a powerhouse AND the ones where you feel like you just can’t go on. Know that every feeling in and about your life is valid and important and real because it is YOURS. Look at yourself even in your darkest hours and remind yourself that being human is brave. And bold. And a courageous endeavor most do not dare even begin to try.
Because that my loves…that is what earns us the superhero, rockstar status. That bravery right there? That is what scores you the cape. 😉